Motivated by a suggestion, I've recently discovered something about myself that explains much of what has made me kind of an oddity to just about everyone who has known me for the last five decades. Ever since what I've discovered about myself was suggested as a possibility to me, I've been doing a little "casual", on-and-off research into said suggestion. Upon exploring the details, I've discovered descriptions and explanations for just about everything about myself that has set me apart from everyone I've known. The details of what is described as a "disorder" match, with an unsettling accuracy, all the things that have won me the "side-eye" from family, friends and "not-friends" alike. The only thing I seem to be lacking is an actual diagnosis. (Yes, this is something that is actually diagnosed by mental health professionals [I've scored high on a number of examinations].)
I won't go into what this problem actually is. I've not been diagnosed and it's not my intention to make a really big issue out of it. But, in the course of the little bit of research I've done to date, I've discovered that the ability draw with a measure of photographic accuracy is a side-effect of this disorder. This, and other details, explain both my abilities and my inabilities with respect to my "artwork". My inability to work in any other medium with even the slightest proficiency is well accounted for among the features of said disorder. And it is for this reason I'm reluctant to see myself as or call myself an "artist".
What I have found also explains the nature of the imagery I tend to produce as well as my discomfort with commissioned work. That being said and understood, I'm finding myself more comfortable with the kind of imagery I tend to produce. I used to experience a small measure of anxiety concerning it, particularly where the response of those with whom I shared my work was concerned. Knowing the "why" behind my imagery has relieved me of this anxiety. In fact, it has inspired me to embrace it.
That being said, if I'm able to continue, there may be a recognizable change in the appearance of my work. Hopefully, it will be an interesting ride.
I like feeling better about my images.
