New Approach and Priorities

Having come to an understanding about the condition of my own mental health, to say nothing of the associated social dysfunction it entails, I'm no longer confused about certain issues connected to my failure as an "artist".  And now, I can add to that the understanding that being an artist, especially a successful one, is more about social proficiency than it is about producing impressive images.  If I understood this in the beginning, it would have saved a lot of time, a lot of effort, and no small measure of disappointment.  That being said, much has changed with respect to my efforts in the area of drawing.  First, all of the goals I had as an "artist" have been abandoned.  The most serious of my shortcomings as an artist was my inability to adapt to and learn the use of other media.  Understanding the true mechanics of that situation has helped me to understand that, for myself, attempting to change this should not be a priority.  Especially since some of said shortcomings are conceptual in nature.  There are certain levels of social understanding that would be necessary in rectifying any "conceptual" issues, for which I simply don't possess the capacity.  And at this stage in life, trying to correct these issues would be largely counterproductive.

So, for now, I'm going to "lighten the load", so to speak, by simplifying my approach to drawing.  I'm not going to be concerning myself with a lot of methodical technique and execution.  I'm going to relax my own expectations concerning my "work".  In fact, I'm going to refrain from thinking of it so much in terms of "work".  It makes me less anxious if I consider it, mainly, a recreational activity.  (Everyone else can call it whatever they like [if they get to see it].)  It is my wish to continue to share what I do, but, I won't be doing it proactively or indiscriminately.  I'll be maintaining (to some degree) my online presence (opportunities permitting) and uploading and posting new images.  But, it's going to look a bit different from what's already there or has been there for any amount of time.  I'm going to be using every trick I've developed, picked up, or been taught to do whatever floats my proverbial boat.  So, where certain groups on certain sites are concerned, I will be ignoring whatever prohibitions I've encountered that govern inclusion and consideration in respective circles and groups.  Now, it's not that I'm going to be trying to force my work on anyone who doesn't approve.  I'm just going to do whatever hits me as I'm drawing, and, if what I'm doing will draw the ire of a certain group (or groups), I just won't be sharing that work with them.  (And if nobody likes it, it'll be just for me.)  I mean to enjoy doing it, the way I did before I attempted to turn it into a "profession".

Over the years, and throughout whatever training I've received, I've acquired some tools along the way.  If the proverbial spirit hits me, I'm using them.  There are one or two tricks in perspective and shading I've either picked up or learned (standard stuff, really, nothing that most don't already know), and if the thought pleases me, I'm using them.  Not too long ago, I saw some videos on "doodling".  It seems that, to some degree, it's become a "thing".  I'm thinking, for now, I'll try and go with that.  At any rate, I think what I really want, is to experience the kind of joy in drawing that I used to when I was a kid.  My "goal" now, is to experience that pleasure I felt when I and some friends in school would get together and spend an entire afternoon just sitting around drawing.  It was like we were creating whole universes, tailor-made to suit our respective fancies.  I lost that somewhere down the road.

I'm thinking I'd like to get that back.

Disordered Pencil

Motivated by a suggestion, I've recently discovered something about myself that explains much of what has made me kind of an oddity to just about everyone who has known me for the last five decades.  Ever since what I've discovered about myself was suggested as a possibility to me, I've been doing a little "casual", on-and-off research into said suggestion.  Upon exploring the details, I've discovered descriptions and explanations for just about everything about myself that has set me apart from everyone I've known.  The details of what is described as a "disorder" match, with an unsettling accuracy, all the things that have won me the "side-eye" from family, friends and "not-friends" alike.  The only thing I seem to be lacking is an actual diagnosis.  (Yes, this is something that is actually diagnosed by mental health professionals [I've scored high on a number of examinations].)

I won't go into what this problem actually is.  I've not been diagnosed and it's not my intention to make a really big issue out of it.  But, in the course of the little bit of research I've done to date, I've discovered that the ability draw with a measure of photographic accuracy is a side-effect of this disorder.  This, and other details, explain both my abilities and my inabilities with respect to my "artwork".  My inability to work in any other medium with even the slightest proficiency is well accounted for among the features of said disorder.  And it is for this reason I'm reluctant to see myself as or call myself an "artist".

What I have found also explains the nature of the imagery I tend to produce as well as my discomfort with commissioned work.  That being said and understood, I'm finding myself more comfortable with the kind of imagery I tend to produce.  I used to experience a small measure of anxiety concerning it, particularly where the response of those with whom I shared my work was concerned.  Knowing the "why" behind my imagery has relieved me of this anxiety.  In fact, it has inspired me to embrace it.

That being said, if I'm able to continue, there may be a recognizable change in the appearance of my work.  Hopefully, it will be an interesting ride.

I like feeling better about my images.