New Approach and Priorities

Having come to an understanding about the condition of my own mental health, to say nothing of the associated social dysfunction it entails, I'm no longer confused about certain issues connected to my failure as an "artist".  And now, I can add to that the understanding that being an artist, especially a successful one, is more about social proficiency than it is about producing impressive images.  If I understood this in the beginning, it would have saved a lot of time, a lot of effort, and no small measure of disappointment.  That being said, much has changed with respect to my efforts in the area of drawing.  First, all of the goals I had as an "artist" have been abandoned.  The most serious of my shortcomings as an artist was my inability to adapt to and learn the use of other media.  Understanding the true mechanics of that situation has helped me to understand that, for myself, attempting to change this should not be a priority.  Especially since some of said shortcomings are conceptual in nature.  There are certain levels of social understanding that would be necessary in rectifying any "conceptual" issues, for which I simply don't possess the capacity.  And at this stage in life, trying to correct these issues would be largely counterproductive.

So, for now, I'm going to "lighten the load", so to speak, by simplifying my approach to drawing.  I'm not going to be concerning myself with a lot of methodical technique and execution.  I'm going to relax my own expectations concerning my "work".  In fact, I'm going to refrain from thinking of it so much in terms of "work".  It makes me less anxious if I consider it, mainly, a recreational activity.  (Everyone else can call it whatever they like [if they get to see it].)  It is my wish to continue to share what I do, but, I won't be doing it proactively or indiscriminately.  I'll be maintaining (to some degree) my online presence (opportunities permitting) and uploading and posting new images.  But, it's going to look a bit different from what's already there or has been there for any amount of time.  I'm going to be using every trick I've developed, picked up, or been taught to do whatever floats my proverbial boat.  So, where certain groups on certain sites are concerned, I will be ignoring whatever prohibitions I've encountered that govern inclusion and consideration in respective circles and groups.  Now, it's not that I'm going to be trying to force my work on anyone who doesn't approve.  I'm just going to do whatever hits me as I'm drawing, and, if what I'm doing will draw the ire of a certain group (or groups), I just won't be sharing that work with them.  (And if nobody likes it, it'll be just for me.)  I mean to enjoy doing it, the way I did before I attempted to turn it into a "profession".

Over the years, and throughout whatever training I've received, I've acquired some tools along the way.  If the proverbial spirit hits me, I'm using them.  There are one or two tricks in perspective and shading I've either picked up or learned (standard stuff, really, nothing that most don't already know), and if the thought pleases me, I'm using them.  Not too long ago, I saw some videos on "doodling".  It seems that, to some degree, it's become a "thing".  I'm thinking, for now, I'll try and go with that.  At any rate, I think what I really want, is to experience the kind of joy in drawing that I used to when I was a kid.  My "goal" now, is to experience that pleasure I felt when I and some friends in school would get together and spend an entire afternoon just sitting around drawing.  It was like we were creating whole universes, tailor-made to suit our respective fancies.  I lost that somewhere down the road.

I'm thinking I'd like to get that back.

Disordered Pencil

Motivated by a suggestion, I've recently discovered something about myself that explains much of what has made me kind of an oddity to just about everyone who has known me for the last five decades.  Ever since what I've discovered about myself was suggested as a possibility to me, I've been doing a little "casual", on-and-off research into said suggestion.  Upon exploring the details, I've discovered descriptions and explanations for just about everything about myself that has set me apart from everyone I've known.  The details of what is described as a "disorder" match, with an unsettling accuracy, all the things that have won me the "side-eye" from family, friends and "not-friends" alike.  The only thing I seem to be lacking is an actual diagnosis.  (Yes, this is something that is actually diagnosed by mental health professionals [I've scored high on a number of examinations].)

I won't go into what this problem actually is.  I've not been diagnosed and it's not my intention to make a really big issue out of it.  But, in the course of the little bit of research I've done to date, I've discovered that the ability draw with a measure of photographic accuracy is a side-effect of this disorder.  This, and other details, explain both my abilities and my inabilities with respect to my "artwork".  My inability to work in any other medium with even the slightest proficiency is well accounted for among the features of said disorder.  And it is for this reason I'm reluctant to see myself as or call myself an "artist".

What I have found also explains the nature of the imagery I tend to produce as well as my discomfort with commissioned work.  That being said and understood, I'm finding myself more comfortable with the kind of imagery I tend to produce.  I used to experience a small measure of anxiety concerning it, particularly where the response of those with whom I shared my work was concerned.  Knowing the "why" behind my imagery has relieved me of this anxiety.  In fact, it has inspired me to embrace it.

That being said, if I'm able to continue, there may be a recognizable change in the appearance of my work.  Hopefully, it will be an interesting ride.

I like feeling better about my images.

Just Drawing What You See

It would appear that there comes a point in the flow of an artist's work when things are not as coherent as they used to be.  The ideas don't come as easily as they used to.

For pretty much all of the time that I've been drawing, it's been my habit to try and put together composites of sorts that I find aesthetically pleasing in some way or another.  But the last few drawings that I've produced, that have been composites of the sort I've been in the habit of putting together, have fallen kind of short of the mark.  It's been my wish to produce at least one more piece of work that could get the same kind of admiration that some of my work has gotten in the past.  But, it would appear that such is not going to be the case.

Now, I'm not too bent out of shape about this.  In fact, I'm not very shaken up about it at all.  I'm still feeling the urge to draw, but, the kind of certainty that I used to feel about it isn't there.  I'm kind of getting the urge to let go of the more "abstract" ideas about the kind of work I wanted to produce.  Any serious work I put out now, and perhaps later, is going to be more along the lines of simple work.  Little or no embellishment or decoration.  Nothing too fancy, just the basic elements in and of an image, whatever that image may be.  If I'm going to endeavor to produce a drawing that's "busy" enough to impress, my focus will be more about the indigenous details of a given subject, rather than the details I might "make up" around it.  Just concentrating on the beauty that's already there.  No more trying to manifest style and technique from other artists.  (All things considered, I haven't the skill to do that anyway.)  It's just about what I see, not what I can dream up.  (For most of it, at least.)

I guess there comes a time when you've just got to concentrate on what's there. 

Beauty Perceived and Inspired

A woman's beauty has different effects on different people.  This is especially evident where artists are concerned.  With some, a woman's beauty is perceived on the basis of who she is.  This, of course, assumes that one is acquainted with said woman on some level.  Now, if one is not acquainted with her, and is left with only what is observed about her, then, one's perception of her becomes confined to the inside of one's head.  There is no real contribution from the woman herself in terms of interaction.  There is only her appearance to the beholder.  Beyond this there is only the reaction of the beholder to what is perceived.  People being people, this is something that will be different from one beholder to another.  There are those for whom such things are superficial at best.  There is only the physical appearance, and from such an artist, that's what will likely be shown in any rendition the the woman's image.  Then there are those whose perception of the woman's beauty is affected by who they know the woman to be.  Their acquaintance with her has a direct affect on how she is perceived.  This too is likely to manifest itself, in some way, in the artist's rendition of her.  

When said woman is not known and there is no acquaintance with her to speak of, the effect her beauty has on the beholder can be, in many cases, much more profound.  Being acquainted with said woman can sometimes be a hindrance to any level of inspiration.  Reality can be something of a damper.  This, of course, depends on the individual.  There are those for whom inspiration comes into play regardless of pre-existing acquaintance.  Some may say that this will be the case for any artist in any situation.  From what I have seen and heard, inspiration is something manifested with respect to skill more so than anything else.  The artist's ability to "capture" the woman's image is enhanced according to the level of "inspiration" experienced.  

For myself, however, I've always been possessed of the disposition of profound effect in the face of encountering a woman's beauty.  I'm the guy that gets stopped in his tracks.  I know that can be said for most if not all men, but, there aren't that many men that slip into semi-consciousness and tunnel vision when confronted with an impressive beauty.  They may leer and stare, but the effect is not that profound.  Seeking a way to communicate something of the effect that a woman's beauty can have on me, I came up with the idea of embellishing my portraits.  In the development of these embellishments, I try to use elements and images that speak to what's going on in my own head with respect to the effect that said woman's beauty has had on me.  In other words, the typical mechanics of inspiration.  But, it's not just about skill (whatever there is that I have of it) or its enhancement.  With respect to the embellishments, it's about composition and (for lack of a better or more correct term) graphic communication.  In a portrait, I want to frame her image in a collection of images that I think best communicates what I perceive in her beauty.  A collection of images that communicates the effect her beauty has had on me.  It's kind of like a guess at what her personality would be like if the beauty I perceived when I looked at her actually, in some way, indicated who she was as a person.                      

I've done drawings in the past that involve what could be considered elaborate embellishments.  But, those drawings were about an attempt to use a woman to communicate what might be considered an abstract concept.  A concept that generally is not about the woman or her image, but is about a state of mind or a way of life which the image of the woman is actually being used to represent either centrally or in part.  The embellished portraits that I'm endeavoring to develop now are simply about the woman's beauty.  No concepts or representations, abstract of otherwise.  Just the woman's beauty and the power it possesses.  (Such as it is.)  

With respect to this kind of portraiture and the embellishments I've been adding to them, some measure of commercial use did cross my mind.  I'm of the opinion that such embellishments could make a nice addition to gift or personal portraiture.  I haven't gotten a lot of requests for this sort of thing, but, then there haven't been  enough requests, generally speaking, to draw any conclusions about how well these embellishments are going over.  (Besides, this sort of thing seems a bit gender specific.  It seems only fitting for female portraits.  But that's just me.)  So, for now, it's pretty much just about me and the joy I get out of rendering the exquisite beauty of women.          

Dreams In Pencil

Early on in high school, in a personal effort to explore the hobby of reading, I got myself hooked on fantasy and sci-fi novels.  No real surprise there as I've always been attracted to the strange and unusual.  In fact, the weirder and more surreal, the better.  It was also about this time in my life that I began making the advance in my drawing from line to shade.  I was in the process of developing a style and technique that would enable me to communicate substance and depth apart from the simple and sometimes exclusive use of perspective.  The books I was reading had a strong influence on my imagination and creativity.  And, for guidance, I began to look to the artwork of the then popular fantasy and sci-fi artists of the time.  Their vision had something of a profound effect on me.  As I continued my drawing, I began to look for ways to create surreal images with as realistic an appearance as possible.  I saw that the best way to accomplish this was, on one hand, to disregard many of the "rules" of nature with regard to space (three-dimensional, geometric space as opposed to the celestial variety), while, on the other hand, to try and emulate the actual physical behavior of light with regard to highlights and reflections on objects and surfaces.  My more successful efforts produced some rather pleasant results.

Throughout this period in my life, though I was quite the geek, I was possessed of a rather amorous disposition.  And, though nothing really came of it with respect to relationships, it manifested itself rather profoundly in my artwork.  This made for some interesting images (some of which were deemed worthy of catalog publication).  I found great satisfaction in producing romantic and semi-romantic, surreal images, a few of which were good enough to attract the attention of buyers.  At any rate, in the course of producing these images, I developed some "favorites".  Over time, as my skill increased and improved, I redid some of my favorites with improvements that corresponded to the development of my skill.  Some of them I redid more than once.  One of them I redid three times.  I think it qualifies as an all-time personal favorite.

The latest reproduction of this all-time favorite of mine was done only a few years ago.  The decision to reproduce it came after my discovery of the work of Alphonse Mucha.  I was amazed to find that the style and the composition seen in his work was just what I had been striving for in my own work ever since I started in the direction of the surreal.  Following the influence of his work gave me the inspiration and the idea for just the kind of embellishment I'd hoped for for this image.  From very early on I had been under the impression that there was something of an unspoken and unwritten rule that the elements that I saw in Mucha's work were simply not to be included or combined in any kind of fine art rendition.  Seeing the success and fame of his work with the form of composition that he used gave me a sense of great vindication as I had always wanted to proceed in a similar fashion with my own work.  Not only did he do it, but, his success with what he used far exceeded any dream of mine.

It has literally been decades since I first put this image together.  My "disposition" isn't nearly as "amorous" as it used to be, but, the image is still a great favorite of mine.  So much so, in fact, that it is very possible that I will reproduce it yet again.  I put this image together with thoughts of what I perceived as the beauty of women in more than just the eye of the beholder.  It was my meager attempt to capture as many of the best qualities of a woman as I could manage in a single image.  The attempt falls woefully short of what it should be, but, given what I had to work with and the immature frame of mind I was in, I managed to come up with an image that made what many thought to be an impressive drawing.  The image worked really well for me personally and, as I mentioned, I became attached.  Now, however, it's not so much about how I feel about women, but about how the image affects me personally.  The "surreality" of the image appeals to me deeply.  Looking at it takes me somewhere else.  Somewhere calm and serene.  A place in the presence and company of what I didn't have the sense to look for when I was young.  Something that now resides only in my dreams.      

What's Seen In A Face

In the course of drawing a portrait of someone there are always the usual elements to master that are the first points of concern.  Everyone who bothers to discuss them pretty much have the same things to say about them.  There are always variations in what's said based on the quality of the work, the apparent talent of the artist, or perhaps the beauty of the subject.  But, once you get  past all that, once the artist has found a way to effectively communicate what there is to be seen (and what the artist actually does see) in the subject, then comes the effect that what's seen has on the artist and the viewer.  Now, for myself, what I experience when I see is particularly simplistic in nature.  So much so, in fact, that I never have anything to express that is consistent with established standards of expression or appreciation.  (I've always been something of a rebel when it comes to that sort of thing.)  From what I've been told by more qualified individuals than myself, that makes me pretty useless in such areas.  But, when doing a portrait, there is something that exists, somewhat exclusively, between me (the artist) and the subject.  This is an experience that is particularly profound when the subject is a beautiful woman (for obvious reasons). 

When I was younger, it was something of an issue.  But, now that I'm older, it's pretty much degenerated into an interesting novelty.  When I was younger, the beauty of women existed on something of a kind of spectrum.  The place of a woman's individual beauty was dependent on the affect it had on the beholder (in this case, me).  On one end of the spectrum, was "sexual" beauty.  On the far end was "esthetic" beauty.  In between the two extremes were varying quantities and combinations of the two.  Now, in the center of the spectrum, every once in a while, I'd find what I called a "top-center" girl.  Such women were possessed of a profound, almost bewitching beauty that you just can't stop looking at.  For someone with an abnormal psyche like mine, in the face of this kind of beauty, the tendency to project imaginary elements of personality and traits of character is rather profound.  Now, at this point in my life, this tendency provides a great source of inspiration in adding embellishments to portraiture.  The challenge expands beyond just capturing the subject's beauty.  Now, there is the added challenge of creating a visual atmosphere around her that commicates the affect her beauty has on me as an artist; to communicate the personality or character that I perceive in seeing her.  This has made for some very interesting portraiture.         

Depiction of Honesty

I've heard (quite frequently) that the most effective lie is the one that is laced with truth. Honesty and truth have often proven themselves to be two different things. Truth, even as a concept, is absolute by definition. This has often put some kind of question mark on its assigned virtue in the eyes of many, but, still it remains what it is. Sweet to some. Brutal to others. Honesty, on the other hand, only speaks to how genuine a person is about how or what they relate. At its best, honesty amounts to little more than compromised truth. At its worst, it is a very highly convincing lie. Many people think of honesty as a virtue closely related to truth. But, as has been frequently pointed out, people can be quite honest in what they do or say and still be wrong. They can be honest in their actions with a lie as their motivation. They can be honest in what they say while what they say is completely and totally false. Truth has two basic affects. Liberation or exposure. Honesty has two faces. One brutal, the other endearing. Oddly enough, which face one sees is dependent on one's relation to the truth.

This being said, it seemed quite appropriate that a drawing in black and white should serve as a depiction of honesty. Questions of motive often cloud the perception of it. Honesty is often spoken of, for better or worse, as a powerful thing. So, a very detailed depiction seemed best as detailed drawings have the greatest impact for the type of art that they are. The image of a beautiful woman depicted with some measure of sensuality, yet contemplative and perhaps. . . defensive or a bit withdrawn. . . would be just the right touch to show both faces to whoever might see them. In an attempt to strive for the illusion of great ambient light, a moderate gray tone is the darkest large area of shade. With the exception of a winding dark stripe shown in the reflection of a surfaces that pretend to be chrome, no other tone appears darker than the darkest tone of gray. Her wings are bright for the virtue she's meant and believed by many to represent. In the rest of her form is seen two faces. One endearing and vulnerable. The other, morally compromised and ashamed. And lastly, her name is drawn, borne above her head, to remedy any poor perception of who (or what) she is.

The Intimacy Of Drawing

I've listened to a lot of people talk about drawing. Some are what I might call mechanical in their references. Outlines are discussed, the structure and the "topography"of the subject are measured and considered, and, in many cases, all that follows are quick, jagged, strokes that portray marked, measured and considered areas of light and dark brought together to form a recognizable image. Now, I understand that this isn't always the case, but, more often than not, it is. From what I've seen, most drawings of this kind are just a stepping stone to something else. Usually, they serve as guides and references for paintings or sculptures. The principle painting or sculpture is where any intimacy experienced by the artist is usually found. Or, at least, this is what's generally told.

Proceeding beyond the stage of outline in drawing can provide an artist with as great a sense of intimacy with the subject as work in any other medium. (And, it's not necessarily dependent on the extent of the artists abilities.) Intimacy between artist and subject, being the subjective experience that it is, is not something for which I care to try and set some kind of standard. It's always been different things to different people. For myself, I find that amount of detail in a drawing can have a dramatic affect on the level of intimacy an artist can experience.

Using a portrait as an example, beginning with the outline, the pursuit of realism to the full extent of the artist's abilities, brings the artist's focus to bear on the lines and curves of the face, neck, and (if the portrait includes as much) the shoulders. The shape and position of the features of the face and head, the way the line of the hair tops the forehead and frames the face, the curve of the cheek and jaw line all show the success or failure in capturing the image of the subject. The pursuit of success in capturing the subject inevitably draws the artist into a deep and thorough exploration of the features of the subject. Now, beyond the stage of outline, the artist explores the contours of the subject with shading. Here, the greater the amount of detail sought, the tighter the focus required. The closer to real the artist tries to come, the more the artist must see. The more the artist sees, the more the artist must account for. Experience provides standard techniques that make the artist more and more familiar with the subtle shades that betray the curves and contours that occur inside the silhouette and have no outline of their own. From the lessons of experience, substance is best shown with a tone (preferably, the lightest one visible) across the whole of any area of like texture (i. e. the skin). In drawing, the application of darker shades becomes smoother when applied to an area already shaded lighter. Gradating shades from lightest tone to dark, rather than from white space to dark, better provides the illusion of substance. Again, applying these tones draws the artist into a deep and thorough exploration of the features of the subject. Strokes in the shades and highlights of the hair in the direction of its flow can provide the illusion of individual strands and a wonderful sense of texture. Experience has shown that the techniques which best facilitate this also call for deep, thorough exploration.

The deep and thorough exploration of the subject is by definition the intimacy of which I spoke earlier. And, if not, then it is the source of it. Now, for myself (and some others, considering what I've heard from them), this is the source of an emotional attachment that develops between and the artist and their work. The few teachers that I've studied under warned of the difficulties of this kind of attachment and counseled against allowing one's self to become so attached to one's work. This is especially prudent if the motivation for doing the work is largely or mostly commercial. But, I submit that, for some (myself included), this "intimacy"is, at the very least, a serious motivator for being an artist in the first place. So, while it may be prudent to rein in one's emotional involvement where commercial transactions are concerned, an artist should be allowed to enjoy the intimacy of their work, in whatever form it is experienced, if for no other reason than the motivation to remain an artist.

The Inspiration Of Deceit

An artist's inspiration is one of the most subjective things I've ever heard of. That inspiration can come from anything, anywhere, at anytime. Even from the experience of being deceived. It can be communicated most effectively through the expression of exquisite detail. For some, images can have more power when they come from someone's hand.

The simplest forms of art done with great effort and detail can have the most profound affect on the viewer. I've seen this for myself with drawings done in ordinary graphite pencil. Light, gentle, circular strokes can portray the soft shade of flawless skin. Varying outlined strokes can mark the dark strands and brightened highlights of wild, wind blown hair. The same circular strokes that produced the smooth shades of a woman's skin, done darkly can produce the subtly varying shades of dark attire sharply outlined by its folds. Drawn and dressed, kneeling and revealing, with the same pencil strokes, she can be given the dark wings of a predator, spread with pride, drawn with great detail, every feather shown and shaded to give the illusion of light bleeding through.

There are those for whom dark inspiration like this calls for a counterpart.