New Approach and Priorities

Having come to an understanding about the condition of my own mental health, to say nothing of the associated social dysfunction it entails, I'm no longer confused about certain issues connected to my failure as an "artist".  And now, I can add to that the understanding that being an artist, especially a successful one, is more about social proficiency than it is about producing impressive images.  If I understood this in the beginning, it would have saved a lot of time, a lot of effort, and no small measure of disappointment.  That being said, much has changed with respect to my efforts in the area of drawing.  First, all of the goals I had as an "artist" have been abandoned.  The most serious of my shortcomings as an artist was my inability to adapt to and learn the use of other media.  Understanding the true mechanics of that situation has helped me to understand that, for myself, attempting to change this should not be a priority.  Especially since some of said shortcomings are conceptual in nature.  There are certain levels of social understanding that would be necessary in rectifying any "conceptual" issues, for which I simply don't possess the capacity.  And at this stage in life, trying to correct these issues would be largely counterproductive.

So, for now, I'm going to "lighten the load", so to speak, by simplifying my approach to drawing.  I'm not going to be concerning myself with a lot of methodical technique and execution.  I'm going to relax my own expectations concerning my "work".  In fact, I'm going to refrain from thinking of it so much in terms of "work".  It makes me less anxious if I consider it, mainly, a recreational activity.  (Everyone else can call it whatever they like [if they get to see it].)  It is my wish to continue to share what I do, but, I won't be doing it proactively or indiscriminately.  I'll be maintaining (to some degree) my online presence (opportunities permitting) and uploading and posting new images.  But, it's going to look a bit different from what's already there or has been there for any amount of time.  I'm going to be using every trick I've developed, picked up, or been taught to do whatever floats my proverbial boat.  So, where certain groups on certain sites are concerned, I will be ignoring whatever prohibitions I've encountered that govern inclusion and consideration in respective circles and groups.  Now, it's not that I'm going to be trying to force my work on anyone who doesn't approve.  I'm just going to do whatever hits me as I'm drawing, and, if what I'm doing will draw the ire of a certain group (or groups), I just won't be sharing that work with them.  (And if nobody likes it, it'll be just for me.)  I mean to enjoy doing it, the way I did before I attempted to turn it into a "profession".

Over the years, and throughout whatever training I've received, I've acquired some tools along the way.  If the proverbial spirit hits me, I'm using them.  There are one or two tricks in perspective and shading I've either picked up or learned (standard stuff, really, nothing that most don't already know), and if the thought pleases me, I'm using them.  Not too long ago, I saw some videos on "doodling".  It seems that, to some degree, it's become a "thing".  I'm thinking, for now, I'll try and go with that.  At any rate, I think what I really want, is to experience the kind of joy in drawing that I used to when I was a kid.  My "goal" now, is to experience that pleasure I felt when I and some friends in school would get together and spend an entire afternoon just sitting around drawing.  It was like we were creating whole universes, tailor-made to suit our respective fancies.  I lost that somewhere down the road.

I'm thinking I'd like to get that back.

Disordered Pencil

Motivated by a suggestion, I've recently discovered something about myself that explains much of what has made me kind of an oddity to just about everyone who has known me for the last five decades.  Ever since what I've discovered about myself was suggested as a possibility to me, I've been doing a little "casual", on-and-off research into said suggestion.  Upon exploring the details, I've discovered descriptions and explanations for just about everything about myself that has set me apart from everyone I've known.  The details of what is described as a "disorder" match, with an unsettling accuracy, all the things that have won me the "side-eye" from family, friends and "not-friends" alike.  The only thing I seem to be lacking is an actual diagnosis.  (Yes, this is something that is actually diagnosed by mental health professionals [I've scored high on a number of examinations].)

I won't go into what this problem actually is.  I've not been diagnosed and it's not my intention to make a really big issue out of it.  But, in the course of the little bit of research I've done to date, I've discovered that the ability draw with a measure of photographic accuracy is a side-effect of this disorder.  This, and other details, explain both my abilities and my inabilities with respect to my "artwork".  My inability to work in any other medium with even the slightest proficiency is well accounted for among the features of said disorder.  And it is for this reason I'm reluctant to see myself as or call myself an "artist".

What I have found also explains the nature of the imagery I tend to produce as well as my discomfort with commissioned work.  That being said and understood, I'm finding myself more comfortable with the kind of imagery I tend to produce.  I used to experience a small measure of anxiety concerning it, particularly where the response of those with whom I shared my work was concerned.  Knowing the "why" behind my imagery has relieved me of this anxiety.  In fact, it has inspired me to embrace it.

That being said, if I'm able to continue, there may be a recognizable change in the appearance of my work.  Hopefully, it will be an interesting ride.

I like feeling better about my images.

Just Drawing What You See

It would appear that there comes a point in the flow of an artist's work when things are not as coherent as they used to be.  The ideas don't come as easily as they used to.

For pretty much all of the time that I've been drawing, it's been my habit to try and put together composites of sorts that I find aesthetically pleasing in some way or another.  But the last few drawings that I've produced, that have been composites of the sort I've been in the habit of putting together, have fallen kind of short of the mark.  It's been my wish to produce at least one more piece of work that could get the same kind of admiration that some of my work has gotten in the past.  But, it would appear that such is not going to be the case.

Now, I'm not too bent out of shape about this.  In fact, I'm not very shaken up about it at all.  I'm still feeling the urge to draw, but, the kind of certainty that I used to feel about it isn't there.  I'm kind of getting the urge to let go of the more "abstract" ideas about the kind of work I wanted to produce.  Any serious work I put out now, and perhaps later, is going to be more along the lines of simple work.  Little or no embellishment or decoration.  Nothing too fancy, just the basic elements in and of an image, whatever that image may be.  If I'm going to endeavor to produce a drawing that's "busy" enough to impress, my focus will be more about the indigenous details of a given subject, rather than the details I might "make up" around it.  Just concentrating on the beauty that's already there.  No more trying to manifest style and technique from other artists.  (All things considered, I haven't the skill to do that anyway.)  It's just about what I see, not what I can dream up.  (For most of it, at least.)

I guess there comes a time when you've just got to concentrate on what's there. 

The Last Masterpiece

Don't get me wrong.  I don't have any illusions about the quality or skill level of my work.  I've always been aware, on some level or another, of my own skill deficits in the drawing process.  There are tools and media elements that I am completely incapable of using.  It's not any kind of special handicap.  It's just an insurmountable incompetance on my part.  I've come to the realization that, as a result, there is a point beyond which the quality of my work will never pass.  It's simply not going to get any better (at least not by any standard that means anything to me).

But, just the same, there is something I'd like to do before I throw in the proverbial towel.  I would like to crank out just one last "masterpiece".  Now, in light of what I just said, I understand that I don't have the ability to produce anything close to what someone outside my own head might consider a masterpiece.  When I got into drawing, much of what went into my drawing came more from my head than anywhere else (until recently).  Trying to get it out of my head met with withering, dismal failure.  So, I might as well keep it inside my head.  My satisfaction with my work is also something conceived and grown totally inside my head.  I know, that's pretty much the case with everyone.  But, as I've observed, many artists (I don't know how many, but I know there are enough of them to matter) derive their satisfaction with their work on how much it pleases the public, or whatever they have as a fan base or audience.  Mine takes no consideration for thoughts outside my own head.  My failure to relate through my artwork facilitated a totally inner-directed evaluation standard.  And, just for the sake of saying that I tried, I've attempted to reconcile that standard with the tastes of the public.  I had no serious expectations.  Experience took care of that.  I just did it so I could say I did.  I never admitted that to anyone before now.

Nevertheless, as I expect is typical among artists, I still felt the drive to draw.  I still felt motivated to create images.  I still feel that way now.  So, I continue to draw.  Sometimes more often, sometimes less.  But, I keep on drawing.  And, now, it seems, I've reached the point where I'm feeling it's time to call (most of this) quits.  I've reached a point in my life (age) where I no longer have the drive to pursue even the most minimal levels of success.  So, what I do in terms of art, if I do anything at all, will be totally recreational (unless prudence and conviction dictate otherwise).

The thing is, I kind of want to go out with the proverbial "bang".  I want to do at least one more piece, one more drawing that makes me happy to look at it.  Something that I have a really hard time trying to look away from.

Shared here are what are either my best, favorite, or some combination there of.  If life and circumstances allow, I want to produce something that speaks to the scope of my imagination over the years.  Something that speaks to what I thought was really cool from the time that I first started drawing to now.

I'm not so sure I'm going to be able to pull this off.  But, for the sake of my own amusement (or, perhaps for the sake of satisfaction with my own efforts), I would like to try and put out something I can consider a worthy period at the end of the sentence.

I don't expect that I'll succeed right away.  Trying to accomplish this may actually take multiple tries.  But, I'd like to give it a shot anyway.

Beauty Perceived and Inspired

A woman's beauty has different effects on different people.  This is especially evident where artists are concerned.  With some, a woman's beauty is perceived on the basis of who she is.  This, of course, assumes that one is acquainted with said woman on some level.  Now, if one is not acquainted with her, and is left with only what is observed about her, then, one's perception of her becomes confined to the inside of one's head.  There is no real contribution from the woman herself in terms of interaction.  There is only her appearance to the beholder.  Beyond this there is only the reaction of the beholder to what is perceived.  People being people, this is something that will be different from one beholder to another.  There are those for whom such things are superficial at best.  There is only the physical appearance, and from such an artist, that's what will likely be shown in any rendition the the woman's image.  Then there are those whose perception of the woman's beauty is affected by who they know the woman to be.  Their acquaintance with her has a direct affect on how she is perceived.  This too is likely to manifest itself, in some way, in the artist's rendition of her.  

When said woman is not known and there is no acquaintance with her to speak of, the effect her beauty has on the beholder can be, in many cases, much more profound.  Being acquainted with said woman can sometimes be a hindrance to any level of inspiration.  Reality can be something of a damper.  This, of course, depends on the individual.  There are those for whom inspiration comes into play regardless of pre-existing acquaintance.  Some may say that this will be the case for any artist in any situation.  From what I have seen and heard, inspiration is something manifested with respect to skill more so than anything else.  The artist's ability to "capture" the woman's image is enhanced according to the level of "inspiration" experienced.  

For myself, however, I've always been possessed of the disposition of profound effect in the face of encountering a woman's beauty.  I'm the guy that gets stopped in his tracks.  I know that can be said for most if not all men, but, there aren't that many men that slip into semi-consciousness and tunnel vision when confronted with an impressive beauty.  They may leer and stare, but the effect is not that profound.  Seeking a way to communicate something of the effect that a woman's beauty can have on me, I came up with the idea of embellishing my portraits.  In the development of these embellishments, I try to use elements and images that speak to what's going on in my own head with respect to the effect that said woman's beauty has had on me.  In other words, the typical mechanics of inspiration.  But, it's not just about skill (whatever there is that I have of it) or its enhancement.  With respect to the embellishments, it's about composition and (for lack of a better or more correct term) graphic communication.  In a portrait, I want to frame her image in a collection of images that I think best communicates what I perceive in her beauty.  A collection of images that communicates the effect her beauty has had on me.  It's kind of like a guess at what her personality would be like if the beauty I perceived when I looked at her actually, in some way, indicated who she was as a person.                      

I've done drawings in the past that involve what could be considered elaborate embellishments.  But, those drawings were about an attempt to use a woman to communicate what might be considered an abstract concept.  A concept that generally is not about the woman or her image, but is about a state of mind or a way of life which the image of the woman is actually being used to represent either centrally or in part.  The embellished portraits that I'm endeavoring to develop now are simply about the woman's beauty.  No concepts or representations, abstract of otherwise.  Just the woman's beauty and the power it possesses.  (Such as it is.)  

With respect to this kind of portraiture and the embellishments I've been adding to them, some measure of commercial use did cross my mind.  I'm of the opinion that such embellishments could make a nice addition to gift or personal portraiture.  I haven't gotten a lot of requests for this sort of thing, but, then there haven't been  enough requests, generally speaking, to draw any conclusions about how well these embellishments are going over.  (Besides, this sort of thing seems a bit gender specific.  It seems only fitting for female portraits.  But that's just me.)  So, for now, it's pretty much just about me and the joy I get out of rendering the exquisite beauty of women.          

Dreams In Pencil

Early on in high school, in a personal effort to explore the hobby of reading, I got myself hooked on fantasy and sci-fi novels.  No real surprise there as I've always been attracted to the strange and unusual.  In fact, the weirder and more surreal, the better.  It was also about this time in my life that I began making the advance in my drawing from line to shade.  I was in the process of developing a style and technique that would enable me to communicate substance and depth apart from the simple and sometimes exclusive use of perspective.  The books I was reading had a strong influence on my imagination and creativity.  And, for guidance, I began to look to the artwork of the then popular fantasy and sci-fi artists of the time.  Their vision had something of a profound effect on me.  As I continued my drawing, I began to look for ways to create surreal images with as realistic an appearance as possible.  I saw that the best way to accomplish this was, on one hand, to disregard many of the "rules" of nature with regard to space (three-dimensional, geometric space as opposed to the celestial variety), while, on the other hand, to try and emulate the actual physical behavior of light with regard to highlights and reflections on objects and surfaces.  My more successful efforts produced some rather pleasant results.

Throughout this period in my life, though I was quite the geek, I was possessed of a rather amorous disposition.  And, though nothing really came of it with respect to relationships, it manifested itself rather profoundly in my artwork.  This made for some interesting images (some of which were deemed worthy of catalog publication).  I found great satisfaction in producing romantic and semi-romantic, surreal images, a few of which were good enough to attract the attention of buyers.  At any rate, in the course of producing these images, I developed some "favorites".  Over time, as my skill increased and improved, I redid some of my favorites with improvements that corresponded to the development of my skill.  Some of them I redid more than once.  One of them I redid three times.  I think it qualifies as an all-time personal favorite.

The latest reproduction of this all-time favorite of mine was done only a few years ago.  The decision to reproduce it came after my discovery of the work of Alphonse Mucha.  I was amazed to find that the style and the composition seen in his work was just what I had been striving for in my own work ever since I started in the direction of the surreal.  Following the influence of his work gave me the inspiration and the idea for just the kind of embellishment I'd hoped for for this image.  From very early on I had been under the impression that there was something of an unspoken and unwritten rule that the elements that I saw in Mucha's work were simply not to be included or combined in any kind of fine art rendition.  Seeing the success and fame of his work with the form of composition that he used gave me a sense of great vindication as I had always wanted to proceed in a similar fashion with my own work.  Not only did he do it, but, his success with what he used far exceeded any dream of mine.

It has literally been decades since I first put this image together.  My "disposition" isn't nearly as "amorous" as it used to be, but, the image is still a great favorite of mine.  So much so, in fact, that it is very possible that I will reproduce it yet again.  I put this image together with thoughts of what I perceived as the beauty of women in more than just the eye of the beholder.  It was my meager attempt to capture as many of the best qualities of a woman as I could manage in a single image.  The attempt falls woefully short of what it should be, but, given what I had to work with and the immature frame of mind I was in, I managed to come up with an image that made what many thought to be an impressive drawing.  The image worked really well for me personally and, as I mentioned, I became attached.  Now, however, it's not so much about how I feel about women, but about how the image affects me personally.  The "surreality" of the image appeals to me deeply.  Looking at it takes me somewhere else.  Somewhere calm and serene.  A place in the presence and company of what I didn't have the sense to look for when I was young.  Something that now resides only in my dreams.      

Expression and Influence

Soon after immerging from the first of two rather dark periods in my life, I experienced something of a burst of expression in my art work.  The social circles I moved in had a significant influence over my thinking which showed itself in the images I produced.  I was never much of a profound thinker.  No deep philosophies or profound insights.  Just images that I felt were expressive of how I thought and felt at any given moment.  During that time, pretty much every thought that came into my head found its expression in images.  And music was an important catalyst in the formation of ideas for my drawings.  The people I associated with had something of a strong influence over my preferences and thinking.  This, in turn, had an effect on the images I produced.  Through the music I listened to, I found inspiration that took its form from what some might have thought of as a kind of hereditary or ethnic awareness.  The images I produced made no political or social statements.  At least not any that I intended.  If the ideas I got for my drawings were to be expressed in words, they would actually be very simple, basic concepts.  Many of the images that I produced were arguably expressions of feeling as opposed to any kind of complex idea or message.  That being said, I'm sure it's not surprising that most were unable to find anything to relate to in my work. 

At any rate, as it turns out, after quite a few years, I no longer possess any of the original drawings from this brief burst of expression.  I do, however have some photos, slides, and old remakes of some of these drawings.  Maybe a month or so before the writing of this blog post, I was encouraged to reproduce at least some of these drawings.  I had the idea to do just that quite some time before it was actually suggested to me, so, the suggestion gave me the incentive to follow through with it.

The most recent influences on my work have been in the direction of technique and application.  These influences have enabled me to make a better production of my drawings.  So, I gathered what I had left of the elements I used to produce the original drawings and set about producing a remake. 

The one that I chose was actually the simplest of the compositions that came from this burst of inspiration.  Being such, it was an expression of a simple idea.  This image was composed quite a few years ago.  What the idea was, precisely, I can no longer recall.  But I do know that it was a very simple idea.  In the social circles that I associated with, there was a collective awareness and sensitivity regarding ancestral origins.  Knowing that gives me a good idea of what the inspiration for this drawing might have been.  It also provided me with helpful guidance in the development of the remake.  The original image was likely inspired by thoughts of a quiet strength believed to have its origin in qualities inherited from those who came before us.  This quiet strength was something that I would think best tapped through meditation.  The origin of this inherited strength is represented by an image of the ancestral home of those who would draw on it; this strength of who they are and where they came from.  A strength from which issues serenity and inspiration. 

If all goes well, more will follow.

The Beauty of Manga

The beauty of manga illustration lies in its simplicity.  And it's a simplicity that exists on more than one level.  When I was very young, I used to make fun of the customary appearance of large eyes on the characters seen on anime TV shows.  But, when I got older and became more heavily involved in art, I began to appreciate the beauty of this stylized form.  As far as comic style artwork was concerned, I'd become accustomed to seeing the western style illustration.  But, I remember not getting as much out of it as my peers.  Don't get me wrong.  I did appreciate the work for its own greatness.  The stylized handling of detail was impressive, to say the least.  And, I enjoyed drawing the characters.  But, my interest in doing that kind of artwork never interested me beyond the social value it had for me.  I only did it because it was the means by which I shared the interest of my friends who were avid fans. 

Manga, however, was a different experience.  I didn't actually see any real samples of manga until much later on in life.  So, most of my appreciation for manga came through anime.  What most impresses me about the manga style is its simplicity.  Though different artists and production companies have something of a signature in their work, there is a standard to the stylization that is visible in pretty much every form of manga/anime illustration.  Again, it wasn't until much later on in my experience with this form of illustration, but, I finally found out the reason for the large eyes that I used to make fun of as a kid.  Elements of the kind of person a manga character was could be determined by the appearance of the eyes.  Their capacity for or tendency toward compassion or evil is revealed (or suggested) in the size and shape of the character's eyes respectively.  Large, bright, colorful eyes are indicative of compassion or innocence.  Small slanted eyes are indicative of evil, malice, lack of trustworthiness, and so on.  It only made me more enamored with the style.  Apart from its simplicity, there was a kind of suggestion with respect to detail that seemed to appear in the work.  Details like strands of hair and folds in clothing were "suggested" by strategic shading.  This technique for implying detail always impressed me.  This particular form of stylization now holds an attraction that has inspired me to try and emulated it.  But, because the form is so particular and developed in its stylization, teaching myself this style has turned out to be a particularly daunting endeavor. 

From what I've seen, environments and backgrounds in this style of illustration generally involve heavy use of perspective and detail.  I made myself very accustomed to the use of perspective in drawing at a young age, so, there isn't much of a problem to be found for me there.  All I expect to need in that area is perhaps a little habitual tweeking in the area of environmental detail.  When I finally get around to exploring it, I anticipate no problems.  Character figures have proven to be pretty much the opposite.  Despite the demanding nature of the style, I still find myself inspired by its beauty.  And I'm driven by that inspiration to continue my efforts in emulating it.    

   

Gradation Designs: Not Just A Simple Drawing Exercise

I was in a sour mood when I got home from school.  I was studying art at Community College.  The night before, I was up all night working on a large design assignment for my Black and White Design class.  It was to be 20" x 30" according to the assignment instructions, and done in pen and ink, based on an assigned photograph.  The assignment was an exercise in absolute black and white composition.  It was preceded by smaller in-class assignments that were designed to teach us the use of black and white space with varying percentages of black and white respectively.  In amounts of 25%, 50%, and 75%, we were to create a composition that effectively hid the respective minority or majority of the black or white space in each design.  I screwed the pooch across the board.  Utter and complete FAIL!  I should have seen how I did in that set of assignments as a harbinger of what was to come. 

All of the students' work was hung on the classroom wall and evaluated one by one.  When the teacher got to mine, it was like a beheading with a dull axe.  I was frustrated beyond words.  All that work for nothing.  And to think, I was so confident, sitting up all night working on that disaster.  I had never been so focused on anything for that amount of time.  This thoroughly convinced me that all my efforts to do well were pointless.  To this day I don't know what kept me from dropping that class. 

After that life-sucking disaster, we received the next assignment in our instruction on the use of black and white composition.  This time, gradation was involved.  Though I was so busy wallowing in my frustration and disappointment from the last assignment, I remember feeling a bit relieved about the use of gradation in the assignment.  It was the one thing about it that I knew I could do well.  But, as our approach toward the composition was to be somewhat the same as the percentage assignments, I was not encouraged.  At all.  I felt destined to fail. 

The gradation assignment required a pair of smaller designs.  One was to be a composition totally of our own making, inspired by our own imagination.  The other was to be based on another photograph assigned by the instructor.  My approach to completing the assignment was totally opposite to what I did for the previous assignment.  I went in to the back room where the VCR was (yes, this was a long time ago), set up a couple of TV tables, put on a movie, and started work.  I was able to handle the gradation part of the assignment almost in my sleep, so, that was no problem at all.  As for the design composition, I only devoted enough of my brain to work the pencils and china marker properly.  The rest of my head was into the movie I was watching.  The assignment required the work to be done on sheets of 20" x 20" illustration board.  I watched two movies.  At some point I stopped for a snack.  Before the second movie ended I finished the assignment.  Both designs.  I was barely aware of what I did.  And I didn't care.  As far as I was concerned, this assignment was destined to failure.  I knew that my execution of the gradation in the designs was good, but you couldn't convince me at gunpoint that I wasn't going to fail the design composition part of the assignment.  My feeling was that, if my getting ripped a new one was inevitable, I might as well enjoy the ride.  Plus, I wasn't going to waste an entire night on that assignment just to be handed my ego in pieces.  I even managed to enjoy doing the work (as much of it as I was paying attention to). 

The next day, after a proper night's sleep, I brought in my assignment for evaluation.  Everyone's work was hung up on the wall for individual critique by the instructor.  Mine was on the end.  The instructor started on the opposite end of the wall so that mine would be last.  One by one, the instructor ripped into the designs.  He was taking no prisoners.  You could hear the sound of egos and expectations shattering on the floor.  As he got closer and closer to mine, I just waited for what I thought was inevitable.  Everyone else, as I had overheard in conversation among the students before the review, had put a lot of thought and effort into their work.  I did mine virtually blindfolded and totally unconcerned.  I wouldn't have been a bit surprised it he decided to eject me from the room.  Moment of truth; the instructor finally got to mine.  I braced myself.  He shifted gears so hard you could almost hear it.  The first words out of his mouth were nothing but praise.  He was elated.  He went on in detail about what he liked about my designs.  And the thing that really blew me away was that he thought I spent an absorbitant amount of time and thought on the assignment.  I think he mentioned it three or four times  To this day, I don't know how he managed to miss the raw shock on my face.  Jaw hanging open, I sat and stared, entranced.  I couldn't believe my ears.  He loved both of them.  He had nothing at all bad to say about them.  I said nothing in response to anything he said.  I was praying he didn't ask me any details.  I just nodded when he looked at me.  After he finished the review, it took me a few moments to recover.  I looked over at the other students.  I saw those closest to me looking at me.  I was speachless.  One noticed the shock on my face.  "You didn't think about this assignment at all, did you?"  All I could do was quietly shake my head no. 

The fact that I spent so much time and effort on the previous assignment and failed, only to pass a similar assignment almost totally without effort, expecting to fail miserably, and passing with flying colors, disturbed me profoundly.  I was used to having little control over what happened in my classes, but this was just too much.  After that year, I changed my major to computer science. 

Though I decided to pursue a different career path, I didn't stop drawing.  I did more gradation designs (this time just for the fun of it).  I remembered liking the effect of the opposing gradations adjacent to each other.  I still do them as exercises from time to time.  Sometimes, when I get a design just right, I find it hard to look away.  At that point, I guess it's not just an exercise anymore.          

 

             

The Development of an Idea

A little while ago I woke up with this image in my head.  This, in and of itself, was not unusual.  Images and ideas for drawings pop into my head a lot, so it was no surprise.  But, this time it was different.  There was an unusual amount of detail in this image.  Usually when I get an idea for a drawing, there isn't a great deal of detail.  Such ideas and images are generally vague and more conceptual than detailed.  If I like the idea, I proceed, working out the details as I go.  This time, however, pretty much all of the details were already a part of the image. 

Life, being what it is, kind of got in the way of my beginning the rendering of this idea right away.  By virtue of the demand of higher priorities, some days passed without opportunity to begin this drawing.  As the days passed, I thought that the details would fade.  That often happens with other ideas if too much time passes between the time I get the idea and the opportunity to begin working on it.  But not so with this one.  The details remained just as vivid days later as when the idea first popped into my head.  The fact that the details lasted as long as they did served as motivation for me to get to work on this drawing as soon as I could. 

This idea, for all intents and practical purposes, was actually quite basic.  But it wasn't something that I could just sit down with a pencil and paper and just draw out.  And I don't have the equipment or software to let my computer do it.  I had to do it directly on paper.  I needed to come up with a way to produce this drawing without the markers and guidelines necessary to ensure that it would turn out right.  On this line of thinking, the first thing that came to mind was an old, simple trick that I learned in school.  All I needed was a compass, some tracing paper, and a soft lead pencil. 

Progress was slow as I had to work out step by step what I needed to do to best achieve the desired results.  The image I wanted to produce had a concentric circular frame, so, my first move was to draw out this frame, using the compass, starting on the tracing paper, and then duplicating the drawing on the paper on which I would render the image.  After marking out the desired positions of the smaller circular portions of the frame and other elements of the drawing, I duplicated them on the paper used for the actual image (minus the marker/guide lines).  I did this by tracing over the elements I wanted to tranfer with a soft lead pencil on the reverse side of the tracing paper.  Then, I placed the tracing paper with the original circular frame on top of the duplicate that would become the final drawing, matching up the frame on the tracing paper with the frame on the final drawing paper.  Doing this, I made sure that the soft lead (that I used to trace the transfer elements) was between the tracing paper and the final drawing paper.  Then, I took something small and rounded (the back end of one of my mechanical pencils) and rubbed over the parts of the image I wanted to transfer.  The graphite transferred from the rubbing provided me with the images I wanted added to the circular frame without the unwanted marker and guidelines.  With the frame image complete on the what would become the final drawing, all that remained was just to draw out the details of the image. 

All things considered, the image itself really had no purpose and communicated no message (at least not anything that was in my head).  I was just taken by the fact that an image with as much detail would first enter my head, and then, stay there and stay intact for what was something of an unprecedented amount of time.  Having that happen, I really just wanted to see what the process from concept to image would yield.     

     
 

  

 

        

 

The Power Of A Woman's Beauty

There are those for whom looking into the face of a beautiful woman is a profound experience.  What exactly is meant by "profound" is, of course, dependent on the individual.  You know, "eye of the beholder" and all.  For some it's kind of a "love-at-first-sight" syndrome.  It can get pretty weird too.  I know this doesn't happen with everyone, but, there are those for whom it's kind of a matter of ideals.  And the biggest problem with it is that the "ideal" is something that exists pretty much exclusively in the mind of the beholder.  Much the same way guys have their own standard of what is or isn't beautiful, there are some guys that have attached a personality or a character to that beauty.  It's at this point that the problems start. 

Some social dysfunctionals have a hard time separating the "ideal" from the reality when it comes to encounters with women.  They see a beautiful woman and are enchanted by what they see.  But, the thing is, it's not just about what they see.  The characteristics that they've attached to the beauty they see they project on to the person.  They, rather quickly, come to expect to see those characteristics associated with the woman's beauty in the woman herself.  When they look at her, they don't see her, they see the person they've projected on to her.  If and/or when they don't see the person they've projected on to her in her behavior, there are generally two things that happen.  Their infatuation with the woman, which has its basis in what they've projected on to her, blinds them to who she really is and they interact with her on the basis of their projection, or, he becomes frustrated or incensed by her failure to live up to the characteristics of who he expects her to be.  I realize that these are extreme generalizations.  But this is the way I've seen it in some of the guys I've known to be like this. 

Besides, I used to be one of these guys. 

I don't really consider myself much of an artist.  But, my ability to render the beauty of women has provided me with an opportunity to enjoy it on a bit more of an intimate basis than one who can only behold it.  I'm nobody's painter and my ability to perceive color is flawed, but, what skill I do have with a pencil has afforded me a stimulating experience in exploring that beauty.  While I am no longer afflicted with this psychosis of my younger days, I still find gazing into the face of a beautiful woman very soothing.  And with the right tools, I can enjoy the exploration of every detail of that beauty.  Everything from the tones and shades of her complexion to the highlights of every visible strand of her hair.      

What's Seen In A Face

In the course of drawing a portrait of someone there are always the usual elements to master that are the first points of concern.  Everyone who bothers to discuss them pretty much have the same things to say about them.  There are always variations in what's said based on the quality of the work, the apparent talent of the artist, or perhaps the beauty of the subject.  But, once you get  past all that, once the artist has found a way to effectively communicate what there is to be seen (and what the artist actually does see) in the subject, then comes the effect that what's seen has on the artist and the viewer.  Now, for myself, what I experience when I see is particularly simplistic in nature.  So much so, in fact, that I never have anything to express that is consistent with established standards of expression or appreciation.  (I've always been something of a rebel when it comes to that sort of thing.)  From what I've been told by more qualified individuals than myself, that makes me pretty useless in such areas.  But, when doing a portrait, there is something that exists, somewhat exclusively, between me (the artist) and the subject.  This is an experience that is particularly profound when the subject is a beautiful woman (for obvious reasons). 

When I was younger, it was something of an issue.  But, now that I'm older, it's pretty much degenerated into an interesting novelty.  When I was younger, the beauty of women existed on something of a kind of spectrum.  The place of a woman's individual beauty was dependent on the affect it had on the beholder (in this case, me).  On one end of the spectrum, was "sexual" beauty.  On the far end was "esthetic" beauty.  In between the two extremes were varying quantities and combinations of the two.  Now, in the center of the spectrum, every once in a while, I'd find what I called a "top-center" girl.  Such women were possessed of a profound, almost bewitching beauty that you just can't stop looking at.  For someone with an abnormal psyche like mine, in the face of this kind of beauty, the tendency to project imaginary elements of personality and traits of character is rather profound.  Now, at this point in my life, this tendency provides a great source of inspiration in adding embellishments to portraiture.  The challenge expands beyond just capturing the subject's beauty.  Now, there is the added challenge of creating a visual atmosphere around her that commicates the affect her beauty has on me as an artist; to communicate the personality or character that I perceive in seeing her.  This has made for some very interesting portraiture.         

Depiction of Honesty

I've heard (quite frequently) that the most effective lie is the one that is laced with truth. Honesty and truth have often proven themselves to be two different things. Truth, even as a concept, is absolute by definition. This has often put some kind of question mark on its assigned virtue in the eyes of many, but, still it remains what it is. Sweet to some. Brutal to others. Honesty, on the other hand, only speaks to how genuine a person is about how or what they relate. At its best, honesty amounts to little more than compromised truth. At its worst, it is a very highly convincing lie. Many people think of honesty as a virtue closely related to truth. But, as has been frequently pointed out, people can be quite honest in what they do or say and still be wrong. They can be honest in their actions with a lie as their motivation. They can be honest in what they say while what they say is completely and totally false. Truth has two basic affects. Liberation or exposure. Honesty has two faces. One brutal, the other endearing. Oddly enough, which face one sees is dependent on one's relation to the truth.

This being said, it seemed quite appropriate that a drawing in black and white should serve as a depiction of honesty. Questions of motive often cloud the perception of it. Honesty is often spoken of, for better or worse, as a powerful thing. So, a very detailed depiction seemed best as detailed drawings have the greatest impact for the type of art that they are. The image of a beautiful woman depicted with some measure of sensuality, yet contemplative and perhaps. . . defensive or a bit withdrawn. . . would be just the right touch to show both faces to whoever might see them. In an attempt to strive for the illusion of great ambient light, a moderate gray tone is the darkest large area of shade. With the exception of a winding dark stripe shown in the reflection of a surfaces that pretend to be chrome, no other tone appears darker than the darkest tone of gray. Her wings are bright for the virtue she's meant and believed by many to represent. In the rest of her form is seen two faces. One endearing and vulnerable. The other, morally compromised and ashamed. And lastly, her name is drawn, borne above her head, to remedy any poor perception of who (or what) she is.

The Intimacy Of Drawing

I've listened to a lot of people talk about drawing. Some are what I might call mechanical in their references. Outlines are discussed, the structure and the "topography"of the subject are measured and considered, and, in many cases, all that follows are quick, jagged, strokes that portray marked, measured and considered areas of light and dark brought together to form a recognizable image. Now, I understand that this isn't always the case, but, more often than not, it is. From what I've seen, most drawings of this kind are just a stepping stone to something else. Usually, they serve as guides and references for paintings or sculptures. The principle painting or sculpture is where any intimacy experienced by the artist is usually found. Or, at least, this is what's generally told.

Proceeding beyond the stage of outline in drawing can provide an artist with as great a sense of intimacy with the subject as work in any other medium. (And, it's not necessarily dependent on the extent of the artists abilities.) Intimacy between artist and subject, being the subjective experience that it is, is not something for which I care to try and set some kind of standard. It's always been different things to different people. For myself, I find that amount of detail in a drawing can have a dramatic affect on the level of intimacy an artist can experience.

Using a portrait as an example, beginning with the outline, the pursuit of realism to the full extent of the artist's abilities, brings the artist's focus to bear on the lines and curves of the face, neck, and (if the portrait includes as much) the shoulders. The shape and position of the features of the face and head, the way the line of the hair tops the forehead and frames the face, the curve of the cheek and jaw line all show the success or failure in capturing the image of the subject. The pursuit of success in capturing the subject inevitably draws the artist into a deep and thorough exploration of the features of the subject. Now, beyond the stage of outline, the artist explores the contours of the subject with shading. Here, the greater the amount of detail sought, the tighter the focus required. The closer to real the artist tries to come, the more the artist must see. The more the artist sees, the more the artist must account for. Experience provides standard techniques that make the artist more and more familiar with the subtle shades that betray the curves and contours that occur inside the silhouette and have no outline of their own. From the lessons of experience, substance is best shown with a tone (preferably, the lightest one visible) across the whole of any area of like texture (i. e. the skin). In drawing, the application of darker shades becomes smoother when applied to an area already shaded lighter. Gradating shades from lightest tone to dark, rather than from white space to dark, better provides the illusion of substance. Again, applying these tones draws the artist into a deep and thorough exploration of the features of the subject. Strokes in the shades and highlights of the hair in the direction of its flow can provide the illusion of individual strands and a wonderful sense of texture. Experience has shown that the techniques which best facilitate this also call for deep, thorough exploration.

The deep and thorough exploration of the subject is by definition the intimacy of which I spoke earlier. And, if not, then it is the source of it. Now, for myself (and some others, considering what I've heard from them), this is the source of an emotional attachment that develops between and the artist and their work. The few teachers that I've studied under warned of the difficulties of this kind of attachment and counseled against allowing one's self to become so attached to one's work. This is especially prudent if the motivation for doing the work is largely or mostly commercial. But, I submit that, for some (myself included), this "intimacy"is, at the very least, a serious motivator for being an artist in the first place. So, while it may be prudent to rein in one's emotional involvement where commercial transactions are concerned, an artist should be allowed to enjoy the intimacy of their work, in whatever form it is experienced, if for no other reason than the motivation to remain an artist.

Deceit Bathing In Ignorance

Years ago I was inspired to do a drawing that would remind me of the severity of a mistake I made and the importance of not repeating it. I wanted it to have as much impact as I could give it. I wanted to make it as realistic as I could. So, within the scope of my abilities, I knew that the highest level of realism I could achieve could only be reached by making it a composite drawing. The inspiration hit me while I was wallowing in despair from the consequences of my bad judgment. I found myself in possession of images that spoke to the reasons for my despair in a way perfectly suited to my sense of expression. The lighting in each of the images fit them together quite well. Though the composite image itself was quite surreal, the appearance of the drawing was as realistic as I could make it. Once it was complete, I could see in my mind's eye the surrounding environment. So, I set it behind the composite image and drew a circular frame around both.

As the drawing in its entirety is merely an expression of thought and feeling, I didn't try to keep the drawing consistent with spatial reality. In fact, from the very beginning, it was my intention to disregard the laws of physics and spatial realism. The things I wanted to represent in this picture are generally considered to be abstract concepts. So, I thought that the way I chose to depict things was appropriate. Especially since my deepest motivation for drawing this picture was quite self-centered. I take for myself the title of "artist" only because others apply it to me. I never really considered myself much of an artist. One of the reasons being that, in my work, I never really attempted to portray or relay any kind of message or tell any kind of story. Until now. But, this message was for me and me alone. And I had no intention of sharing what that message was in any great detail with anyone outside of a certain personal circle. At my first opportunity I had this drawing matted and framed. It's the only drawing currently in my possession that is. For me, this drawing serves as a personal reminder of a place I never want to go again.

The Inspiration Of Deceit

An artist's inspiration is one of the most subjective things I've ever heard of. That inspiration can come from anything, anywhere, at anytime. Even from the experience of being deceived. It can be communicated most effectively through the expression of exquisite detail. For some, images can have more power when they come from someone's hand.

The simplest forms of art done with great effort and detail can have the most profound affect on the viewer. I've seen this for myself with drawings done in ordinary graphite pencil. Light, gentle, circular strokes can portray the soft shade of flawless skin. Varying outlined strokes can mark the dark strands and brightened highlights of wild, wind blown hair. The same circular strokes that produced the smooth shades of a woman's skin, done darkly can produce the subtly varying shades of dark attire sharply outlined by its folds. Drawn and dressed, kneeling and revealing, with the same pencil strokes, she can be given the dark wings of a predator, spread with pride, drawn with great detail, every feather shown and shaded to give the illusion of light bleeding through.

There are those for whom dark inspiration like this calls for a counterpart.