New Approach and Priorities

Having come to an understanding about the condition of my own mental health, to say nothing of the associated social dysfunction it entails, I'm no longer confused about certain issues connected to my failure as an "artist".  And now, I can add to that the understanding that being an artist, especially a successful one, is more about social proficiency than it is about producing impressive images.  If I understood this in the beginning, it would have saved a lot of time, a lot of effort, and no small measure of disappointment.  That being said, much has changed with respect to my efforts in the area of drawing.  First, all of the goals I had as an "artist" have been abandoned.  The most serious of my shortcomings as an artist was my inability to adapt to and learn the use of other media.  Understanding the true mechanics of that situation has helped me to understand that, for myself, attempting to change this should not be a priority.  Especially since some of said shortcomings are conceptual in nature.  There are certain levels of social understanding that would be necessary in rectifying any "conceptual" issues, for which I simply don't possess the capacity.  And at this stage in life, trying to correct these issues would be largely counterproductive.

So, for now, I'm going to "lighten the load", so to speak, by simplifying my approach to drawing.  I'm not going to be concerning myself with a lot of methodical technique and execution.  I'm going to relax my own expectations concerning my "work".  In fact, I'm going to refrain from thinking of it so much in terms of "work".  It makes me less anxious if I consider it, mainly, a recreational activity.  (Everyone else can call it whatever they like [if they get to see it].)  It is my wish to continue to share what I do, but, I won't be doing it proactively or indiscriminately.  I'll be maintaining (to some degree) my online presence (opportunities permitting) and uploading and posting new images.  But, it's going to look a bit different from what's already there or has been there for any amount of time.  I'm going to be using every trick I've developed, picked up, or been taught to do whatever floats my proverbial boat.  So, where certain groups on certain sites are concerned, I will be ignoring whatever prohibitions I've encountered that govern inclusion and consideration in respective circles and groups.  Now, it's not that I'm going to be trying to force my work on anyone who doesn't approve.  I'm just going to do whatever hits me as I'm drawing, and, if what I'm doing will draw the ire of a certain group (or groups), I just won't be sharing that work with them.  (And if nobody likes it, it'll be just for me.)  I mean to enjoy doing it, the way I did before I attempted to turn it into a "profession".

Over the years, and throughout whatever training I've received, I've acquired some tools along the way.  If the proverbial spirit hits me, I'm using them.  There are one or two tricks in perspective and shading I've either picked up or learned (standard stuff, really, nothing that most don't already know), and if the thought pleases me, I'm using them.  Not too long ago, I saw some videos on "doodling".  It seems that, to some degree, it's become a "thing".  I'm thinking, for now, I'll try and go with that.  At any rate, I think what I really want, is to experience the kind of joy in drawing that I used to when I was a kid.  My "goal" now, is to experience that pleasure I felt when I and some friends in school would get together and spend an entire afternoon just sitting around drawing.  It was like we were creating whole universes, tailor-made to suit our respective fancies.  I lost that somewhere down the road.

I'm thinking I'd like to get that back.

Disordered Pencil

Motivated by a suggestion, I've recently discovered something about myself that explains much of what has made me kind of an oddity to just about everyone who has known me for the last five decades.  Ever since what I've discovered about myself was suggested as a possibility to me, I've been doing a little "casual", on-and-off research into said suggestion.  Upon exploring the details, I've discovered descriptions and explanations for just about everything about myself that has set me apart from everyone I've known.  The details of what is described as a "disorder" match, with an unsettling accuracy, all the things that have won me the "side-eye" from family, friends and "not-friends" alike.  The only thing I seem to be lacking is an actual diagnosis.  (Yes, this is something that is actually diagnosed by mental health professionals [I've scored high on a number of examinations].)

I won't go into what this problem actually is.  I've not been diagnosed and it's not my intention to make a really big issue out of it.  But, in the course of the little bit of research I've done to date, I've discovered that the ability draw with a measure of photographic accuracy is a side-effect of this disorder.  This, and other details, explain both my abilities and my inabilities with respect to my "artwork".  My inability to work in any other medium with even the slightest proficiency is well accounted for among the features of said disorder.  And it is for this reason I'm reluctant to see myself as or call myself an "artist".

What I have found also explains the nature of the imagery I tend to produce as well as my discomfort with commissioned work.  That being said and understood, I'm finding myself more comfortable with the kind of imagery I tend to produce.  I used to experience a small measure of anxiety concerning it, particularly where the response of those with whom I shared my work was concerned.  Knowing the "why" behind my imagery has relieved me of this anxiety.  In fact, it has inspired me to embrace it.

That being said, if I'm able to continue, there may be a recognizable change in the appearance of my work.  Hopefully, it will be an interesting ride.

I like feeling better about my images.

Just Drawing What You See

It would appear that there comes a point in the flow of an artist's work when things are not as coherent as they used to be.  The ideas don't come as easily as they used to.

For pretty much all of the time that I've been drawing, it's been my habit to try and put together composites of sorts that I find aesthetically pleasing in some way or another.  But the last few drawings that I've produced, that have been composites of the sort I've been in the habit of putting together, have fallen kind of short of the mark.  It's been my wish to produce at least one more piece of work that could get the same kind of admiration that some of my work has gotten in the past.  But, it would appear that such is not going to be the case.

Now, I'm not too bent out of shape about this.  In fact, I'm not very shaken up about it at all.  I'm still feeling the urge to draw, but, the kind of certainty that I used to feel about it isn't there.  I'm kind of getting the urge to let go of the more "abstract" ideas about the kind of work I wanted to produce.  Any serious work I put out now, and perhaps later, is going to be more along the lines of simple work.  Little or no embellishment or decoration.  Nothing too fancy, just the basic elements in and of an image, whatever that image may be.  If I'm going to endeavor to produce a drawing that's "busy" enough to impress, my focus will be more about the indigenous details of a given subject, rather than the details I might "make up" around it.  Just concentrating on the beauty that's already there.  No more trying to manifest style and technique from other artists.  (All things considered, I haven't the skill to do that anyway.)  It's just about what I see, not what I can dream up.  (For most of it, at least.)

I guess there comes a time when you've just got to concentrate on what's there. 

The Last Masterpiece

Don't get me wrong.  I don't have any illusions about the quality or skill level of my work.  I've always been aware, on some level or another, of my own skill deficits in the drawing process.  There are tools and media elements that I am completely incapable of using.  It's not any kind of special handicap.  It's just an insurmountable incompetance on my part.  I've come to the realization that, as a result, there is a point beyond which the quality of my work will never pass.  It's simply not going to get any better (at least not by any standard that means anything to me).

But, just the same, there is something I'd like to do before I throw in the proverbial towel.  I would like to crank out just one last "masterpiece".  Now, in light of what I just said, I understand that I don't have the ability to produce anything close to what someone outside my own head might consider a masterpiece.  When I got into drawing, much of what went into my drawing came more from my head than anywhere else (until recently).  Trying to get it out of my head met with withering, dismal failure.  So, I might as well keep it inside my head.  My satisfaction with my work is also something conceived and grown totally inside my head.  I know, that's pretty much the case with everyone.  But, as I've observed, many artists (I don't know how many, but I know there are enough of them to matter) derive their satisfaction with their work on how much it pleases the public, or whatever they have as a fan base or audience.  Mine takes no consideration for thoughts outside my own head.  My failure to relate through my artwork facilitated a totally inner-directed evaluation standard.  And, just for the sake of saying that I tried, I've attempted to reconcile that standard with the tastes of the public.  I had no serious expectations.  Experience took care of that.  I just did it so I could say I did.  I never admitted that to anyone before now.

Nevertheless, as I expect is typical among artists, I still felt the drive to draw.  I still felt motivated to create images.  I still feel that way now.  So, I continue to draw.  Sometimes more often, sometimes less.  But, I keep on drawing.  And, now, it seems, I've reached the point where I'm feeling it's time to call (most of this) quits.  I've reached a point in my life (age) where I no longer have the drive to pursue even the most minimal levels of success.  So, what I do in terms of art, if I do anything at all, will be totally recreational (unless prudence and conviction dictate otherwise).

The thing is, I kind of want to go out with the proverbial "bang".  I want to do at least one more piece, one more drawing that makes me happy to look at it.  Something that I have a really hard time trying to look away from.

Shared here are what are either my best, favorite, or some combination there of.  If life and circumstances allow, I want to produce something that speaks to the scope of my imagination over the years.  Something that speaks to what I thought was really cool from the time that I first started drawing to now.

I'm not so sure I'm going to be able to pull this off.  But, for the sake of my own amusement (or, perhaps for the sake of satisfaction with my own efforts), I would like to try and put out something I can consider a worthy period at the end of the sentence.

I don't expect that I'll succeed right away.  Trying to accomplish this may actually take multiple tries.  But, I'd like to give it a shot anyway.

Beauty Perceived and Inspired

A woman's beauty has different effects on different people.  This is especially evident where artists are concerned.  With some, a woman's beauty is perceived on the basis of who she is.  This, of course, assumes that one is acquainted with said woman on some level.  Now, if one is not acquainted with her, and is left with only what is observed about her, then, one's perception of her becomes confined to the inside of one's head.  There is no real contribution from the woman herself in terms of interaction.  There is only her appearance to the beholder.  Beyond this there is only the reaction of the beholder to what is perceived.  People being people, this is something that will be different from one beholder to another.  There are those for whom such things are superficial at best.  There is only the physical appearance, and from such an artist, that's what will likely be shown in any rendition the the woman's image.  Then there are those whose perception of the woman's beauty is affected by who they know the woman to be.  Their acquaintance with her has a direct affect on how she is perceived.  This too is likely to manifest itself, in some way, in the artist's rendition of her.  

When said woman is not known and there is no acquaintance with her to speak of, the effect her beauty has on the beholder can be, in many cases, much more profound.  Being acquainted with said woman can sometimes be a hindrance to any level of inspiration.  Reality can be something of a damper.  This, of course, depends on the individual.  There are those for whom inspiration comes into play regardless of pre-existing acquaintance.  Some may say that this will be the case for any artist in any situation.  From what I have seen and heard, inspiration is something manifested with respect to skill more so than anything else.  The artist's ability to "capture" the woman's image is enhanced according to the level of "inspiration" experienced.  

For myself, however, I've always been possessed of the disposition of profound effect in the face of encountering a woman's beauty.  I'm the guy that gets stopped in his tracks.  I know that can be said for most if not all men, but, there aren't that many men that slip into semi-consciousness and tunnel vision when confronted with an impressive beauty.  They may leer and stare, but the effect is not that profound.  Seeking a way to communicate something of the effect that a woman's beauty can have on me, I came up with the idea of embellishing my portraits.  In the development of these embellishments, I try to use elements and images that speak to what's going on in my own head with respect to the effect that said woman's beauty has had on me.  In other words, the typical mechanics of inspiration.  But, it's not just about skill (whatever there is that I have of it) or its enhancement.  With respect to the embellishments, it's about composition and (for lack of a better or more correct term) graphic communication.  In a portrait, I want to frame her image in a collection of images that I think best communicates what I perceive in her beauty.  A collection of images that communicates the effect her beauty has had on me.  It's kind of like a guess at what her personality would be like if the beauty I perceived when I looked at her actually, in some way, indicated who she was as a person.                      

I've done drawings in the past that involve what could be considered elaborate embellishments.  But, those drawings were about an attempt to use a woman to communicate what might be considered an abstract concept.  A concept that generally is not about the woman or her image, but is about a state of mind or a way of life which the image of the woman is actually being used to represent either centrally or in part.  The embellished portraits that I'm endeavoring to develop now are simply about the woman's beauty.  No concepts or representations, abstract of otherwise.  Just the woman's beauty and the power it possesses.  (Such as it is.)  

With respect to this kind of portraiture and the embellishments I've been adding to them, some measure of commercial use did cross my mind.  I'm of the opinion that such embellishments could make a nice addition to gift or personal portraiture.  I haven't gotten a lot of requests for this sort of thing, but, then there haven't been  enough requests, generally speaking, to draw any conclusions about how well these embellishments are going over.  (Besides, this sort of thing seems a bit gender specific.  It seems only fitting for female portraits.  But that's just me.)  So, for now, it's pretty much just about me and the joy I get out of rendering the exquisite beauty of women.          

Dreams In Pencil

Early on in high school, in a personal effort to explore the hobby of reading, I got myself hooked on fantasy and sci-fi novels.  No real surprise there as I've always been attracted to the strange and unusual.  In fact, the weirder and more surreal, the better.  It was also about this time in my life that I began making the advance in my drawing from line to shade.  I was in the process of developing a style and technique that would enable me to communicate substance and depth apart from the simple and sometimes exclusive use of perspective.  The books I was reading had a strong influence on my imagination and creativity.  And, for guidance, I began to look to the artwork of the then popular fantasy and sci-fi artists of the time.  Their vision had something of a profound effect on me.  As I continued my drawing, I began to look for ways to create surreal images with as realistic an appearance as possible.  I saw that the best way to accomplish this was, on one hand, to disregard many of the "rules" of nature with regard to space (three-dimensional, geometric space as opposed to the celestial variety), while, on the other hand, to try and emulate the actual physical behavior of light with regard to highlights and reflections on objects and surfaces.  My more successful efforts produced some rather pleasant results.

Throughout this period in my life, though I was quite the geek, I was possessed of a rather amorous disposition.  And, though nothing really came of it with respect to relationships, it manifested itself rather profoundly in my artwork.  This made for some interesting images (some of which were deemed worthy of catalog publication).  I found great satisfaction in producing romantic and semi-romantic, surreal images, a few of which were good enough to attract the attention of buyers.  At any rate, in the course of producing these images, I developed some "favorites".  Over time, as my skill increased and improved, I redid some of my favorites with improvements that corresponded to the development of my skill.  Some of them I redid more than once.  One of them I redid three times.  I think it qualifies as an all-time personal favorite.

The latest reproduction of this all-time favorite of mine was done only a few years ago.  The decision to reproduce it came after my discovery of the work of Alphonse Mucha.  I was amazed to find that the style and the composition seen in his work was just what I had been striving for in my own work ever since I started in the direction of the surreal.  Following the influence of his work gave me the inspiration and the idea for just the kind of embellishment I'd hoped for for this image.  From very early on I had been under the impression that there was something of an unspoken and unwritten rule that the elements that I saw in Mucha's work were simply not to be included or combined in any kind of fine art rendition.  Seeing the success and fame of his work with the form of composition that he used gave me a sense of great vindication as I had always wanted to proceed in a similar fashion with my own work.  Not only did he do it, but, his success with what he used far exceeded any dream of mine.

It has literally been decades since I first put this image together.  My "disposition" isn't nearly as "amorous" as it used to be, but, the image is still a great favorite of mine.  So much so, in fact, that it is very possible that I will reproduce it yet again.  I put this image together with thoughts of what I perceived as the beauty of women in more than just the eye of the beholder.  It was my meager attempt to capture as many of the best qualities of a woman as I could manage in a single image.  The attempt falls woefully short of what it should be, but, given what I had to work with and the immature frame of mind I was in, I managed to come up with an image that made what many thought to be an impressive drawing.  The image worked really well for me personally and, as I mentioned, I became attached.  Now, however, it's not so much about how I feel about women, but about how the image affects me personally.  The "surreality" of the image appeals to me deeply.  Looking at it takes me somewhere else.  Somewhere calm and serene.  A place in the presence and company of what I didn't have the sense to look for when I was young.  Something that now resides only in my dreams.      

Expression and Influence

Soon after immerging from the first of two rather dark periods in my life, I experienced something of a burst of expression in my art work.  The social circles I moved in had a significant influence over my thinking which showed itself in the images I produced.  I was never much of a profound thinker.  No deep philosophies or profound insights.  Just images that I felt were expressive of how I thought and felt at any given moment.  During that time, pretty much every thought that came into my head found its expression in images.  And music was an important catalyst in the formation of ideas for my drawings.  The people I associated with had something of a strong influence over my preferences and thinking.  This, in turn, had an effect on the images I produced.  Through the music I listened to, I found inspiration that took its form from what some might have thought of as a kind of hereditary or ethnic awareness.  The images I produced made no political or social statements.  At least not any that I intended.  If the ideas I got for my drawings were to be expressed in words, they would actually be very simple, basic concepts.  Many of the images that I produced were arguably expressions of feeling as opposed to any kind of complex idea or message.  That being said, I'm sure it's not surprising that most were unable to find anything to relate to in my work. 

At any rate, as it turns out, after quite a few years, I no longer possess any of the original drawings from this brief burst of expression.  I do, however have some photos, slides, and old remakes of some of these drawings.  Maybe a month or so before the writing of this blog post, I was encouraged to reproduce at least some of these drawings.  I had the idea to do just that quite some time before it was actually suggested to me, so, the suggestion gave me the incentive to follow through with it.

The most recent influences on my work have been in the direction of technique and application.  These influences have enabled me to make a better production of my drawings.  So, I gathered what I had left of the elements I used to produce the original drawings and set about producing a remake. 

The one that I chose was actually the simplest of the compositions that came from this burst of inspiration.  Being such, it was an expression of a simple idea.  This image was composed quite a few years ago.  What the idea was, precisely, I can no longer recall.  But I do know that it was a very simple idea.  In the social circles that I associated with, there was a collective awareness and sensitivity regarding ancestral origins.  Knowing that gives me a good idea of what the inspiration for this drawing might have been.  It also provided me with helpful guidance in the development of the remake.  The original image was likely inspired by thoughts of a quiet strength believed to have its origin in qualities inherited from those who came before us.  This quiet strength was something that I would think best tapped through meditation.  The origin of this inherited strength is represented by an image of the ancestral home of those who would draw on it; this strength of who they are and where they came from.  A strength from which issues serenity and inspiration. 

If all goes well, more will follow.